1  %title 9th September 2018 at 01:21
2  :jrnl:
3  %date 2018-09-08 01:21
4  
5  I'm tired and high and just about to go to sleep. I want to say I'm trying to organize my life and categorize things so that they dont feel astronomical and like its all falling apart. I wish I could blame all these problems on a lack of tools or understanding instead of will power and resilience. I still feel quite sad often and struggle to both be around people especially for extended periods of time. I've noticed lots of my friends have been making me sad lately and I think it's more just me not knowing how to deal with myself around other people as well as when I'm by myself. I spent a little time today being productive and I feel good about that. It turns out that I don't have any devices on which I can watch dumb youtube videos since the sound on my desktop is broken and youtube changed their player which broke all my apps. I often face turbulent challenges that are greatly outside my control and I have to understand that the decisions I've taken mean they're more likely to occur. I don't know whether that means I should reconsider those decisions or double down. It seems like I could really use a break from everything that isn't intensly personal so I can focus on myself for however long it takes to figure this out but I don't even know if that is the solution. Who knows how long it'll take me to get my own shit together by myself and what if that's not the solution? Bridge building is difficult, and I have chosen a difficult path for myself. How do I approach the challenge I've set out for myself? Already defeated and tired from having come to this point? How then can I expect myself to face and win my own challenges? When I am both the one desiring difficulty and the person failing to deliver on my own goals, it is twice as painful. For my desire of difficulty rises so as to overcome past mistakes and show improvement, and the belief I have in myself drops and continues to think that if I couldn't do the last one how could I possibly attempt the next one suffieciently well? This seems to be the dual nature of my perspective. Desiring challenge and novelty but unwilling to believe in my own success. 
6  I would like to write further about the people I choose to surround myself with as this is another aspect of what I consider to be reasons for my bleakness, at least partially. But even with this I am left to dwell on the problem that is me.