1  %title 22nd June 2020 at 23:41
2  :jrnl:
3  %date 2020-06-22 23:41
4  
5  lately i've been feeling hit or miss. sorta overwhelmed by my decision. like im in free fall. im scared that my friends here will decide to drop me or something with my housing arrangement will go wrong and that last semblance of safety will disappear. i keep having nightmares about it. but i trust and believe my friends and i just have to keep believing that. 
6  
7  also things with riya keep entering this tumultuous zone between not wanting it to work out and arguing about our differences on love and stuff. but i really do want it to work. i think it's beginning to settle in that i'm going to have to get married eventually and if thats the case i can't see a reason why it shouldn't be riya. she's really good for me and i really like who i become when im with her. but at the same time i still keep fighting internal demons about not wanting to settle down and not being done with my fucking around. and yet, even now as i write this i sorta feel like i'm done with it? like i do want to settle down? i dont know, i havent totally cartographed this region of my psyche. i'm working on it.