1  %title 16th April 2020 at 01:47
 2  :jrnl:
 3  %date 2020-10-19 01:47
 4  
 5  uff where to begin. perhaps best to start with the fact that im drunk. its been a really great night, started off with a zoom call with slack and that totally changed my mood around (was feeling really low before then) and then got really drunk with cammy and we had great chats. its been a good night. 
 6  
 7  but what i really been meaning to write about transpired last night. Soumya, who i'd been texting everyday for about two weeks now, shut me down again. i guess i shouldve seen it coming tbh, she'd said so in the past. but i guess im a creature of habit just like everyone else. i had this image in my head about how im a bull in a trough with nowhere to go but forward and she's holding a shield and whip and telling me to back off, but i have nowhere to go but forwards. i was a little upset about it, but im glad she told me the truth instead of leading me on, even though she'd said as much in the past. i feel i may have to learn this lesson again anyway. 
 8  
 9  and then i thought about how she reminds me so much of parul and how basically the same thing happened with her too. that made we even more sad. i think im still a little bitter about that to be honest. i thought i was over it, but the same feelings keep coming back up and i dont know how to deal with them. i was thinking about how even when we were in school she did something similar with guhan and me, except this time im on the recieving end. that made me feel a little better, being able to identify the pattern. but i still feel bad about it. *sigh* i dont know what to do. i want to wish for nothing but her happiness but i dont know how to be that person yet. theres still a selfish part of me that wishes we couldve been together. i mean not really, writing that out didn't feel totally honest. but theres something there, something i dont quite understand still. i suppose to some degree it'll always be like that with her. lately ive been thinking a lot again about how we never had sex. i think thats certainly part of it, for better or worse. maybe i wouldn't be so hung up then, i dont know. that does feel gross to say though. ughhh.  just sorta stuck in my ways, i guess. i think whenever i feel lonely i turn to her. she's always been there for me. and thats obviously not great. since it reminds me how she can't really be there for me, or at least not in the way that i want. its almost as though i dont know how to move on, and instead i fill the void with whatever i can while i can, but i know it's still there. i think another part of it is still being jealous of akshat. i dont know what it is with her, but she's one of the few people i think i'll always feel possessive about. even writing his name here rubs me the wrong way. argh.
10  i hope one day i find a way. to be the person i know i can be for her, because she matters to me a lot and i want to be in her life even if we cant be together. 
11  
12  there was a meme i saw on spiritual science channel on telegram that reminded me of this, even though i was thinking about it just yesterday. "this is a time for healing deep emotional trauma. situations you thought you cleared are coming up again for more awareness. healing is done in layers. you have to continue to spiral through the same emotional experiences until there is no energetic charge left to trigger you." i think thats especially true of this situation. i kept thinking that i was past this parul stuff but im still not. it keeps coming back up. before i tried to convince myself that if ever the opportunity arose that me and parul could be together again that i would turn her down, because of the emotional damage she did back, what 2 years now (god that feels dumb to say). but the truth is i never really processesed it. not entierly anyway. and thats what this is about i guess. how Soumya reminded me of that, because when she was around it was easy to forget about Parul, but now that she's not I turn to the same pain i haven't dealt with. one day. :)
13  
14  i think theres more to it too. but maybe im just projecting that. what i have noticed at least, is that the boundaries are different. she'll only text me every other day. as though she's trying to get me to not rely on her so much. but i dont know how much of that is real and how much is my own delusion. so i dont think its productive to think about. 
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18  = Backlinks =
19  
20  - [[230524-2318|The Canberra Trip]]