1  %title 11th February 2020 at 18:15
 2  :jrnl:
 3  %date 2020-10-19 18:15
 4  
 5  god fucking damn it i feel shit and its all a girls fault again. i knew i shouldnt have fell for her as quick and hard as i did, and thats my own fault, especially when i knew it had to be contentious, but i did and here i fucking am. she keeps toying with me too, and obviously doesnt want anything serious which is fine, and we dont really have the time to do that anyway, but i still feel shit about it. i'm trying to let myself feel all of the emotions involved and let them pass through me and wash over me, knowing that this storrm will fade. it reminds me of that time effectively the same thing happened with amy, and why i got out of tinder and why dating sucks. i am still waiting for her text to see if anything will happen but it seems it wont and ill just have to live with that. ughhh this hurts and sucks. i mean even if we did get to 'just fuck' i feel like this would end badly, so maybe it's for the best. better to deal with this pain now rather than later when it would be worse. 
 6  
 7  i think the worst part of it, is manya being upset about it, like she didn't do exactly the same thing and i had no issue with it but apparently it doesnt work both ways? i probably shouldnt blame her for this, given i havent heard her side of the story and she is obviously mad at me, but i dont feel like i did anything wrong. i never lied to her, or pretended to be something i wasn't nor were we exclusive.  and yet?? im now asking parul about it, maybe she'll be able to deliver some insight. i guess i did learn something, and maybe im too caught up in 'fairness' and whether i was in the right or wrong, rather than the feelings of the person i hurt. 
 8  
 9  and now i feel worse, excellent. i cant tell if i feel worse for hurting manya, or for not being able to hook up with minnie?? thats awful. 
10