1  %title Mad or something
 2  :jrnl:
 3  %date 2021-02-16 06:31
 4  
 5  It's fucking 6.30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep so here I am. writing down my god damn thoughts. I'm mad. I was supposed to go climbing, but I only got like 4 hours of sleep so I tried to sleep again but I couldn't because my mind was racing. 
 6  
 7  I feel spent and used, and the need to cocoon, but helpless and frustrated. I feel like I'm being bullied at work doing shit that doesn't matter and being kept a close eye on because I don't work regular hours or something. I don't know why but thats how it feels. but thats just the start of it. 
 8  Therapy hasn't been helping, I find it difficult to open up to francisco (I think I do want a woman to be my therapist) and he hasn't produced any new insight for me in the past 3 weeks. 
 9  I feel spent on my only friend group here in brisbane. I see them all the time, and i dont know why but its gotten to be too much? maybe it's just that I havent been able to recover from social activity when at home. that seems reasonable; I'm still adapting to living with [[Tsering]]. I always hang out in the living room, not so much in my own space, which is what I'd do from jxNs place a lot. I suppose that's part of the reason I'm "down" here, under my bed, connecting my laptop to my screen and keyboard. 
10  That's another thing, my computers still aren't correctly configured and maybe that's burning a lot of energy. I haven't updated Kitaab in FOREVER, even though I've been trying new things (orca + sunvox) and the backlog of mental tasks might be taking up a lot of energy too. That feels very true as I write it down. It seems I might've once again turned play into work? I think part of it is that Kitaab is kinda broken on [[curve]] so I haven't been using it as much, which leads to taskwarrior filling up or my headspace being used to remember things I need to do. I also don't have a mouse, and my ergodox isn't properly configured to be used on curve. But it's also not just curve. My room still doesn't have enough storage for all my random shit. It isn't cultivating the vibes that I want it to, and I still need to put a lot of work into it to make it all happen. I need to go to bunnings and mappins and buy an ottoman and all kinds of shit. It's ~~lowkey~~ highkey driving me crazy. 
11  
12  Hmm, I feel so much better after writing this all down, and being here. Maybe more of this is exactly what I'm missing and the rest is a bit of a rationalization