1  %title 
 2  :jrnl:
 3  %date 2023-05-03 22:48
 4  %update 2023-05-03 23:01
 5  
 6  Still feeling super ansty today, I don't know what it is. At least I got the switch thing fixed, and Gerd can play ToTK (new Zelda) now, which is good, I'm glad to have that out of my brain. But even asides from that, something still seems to be bothering me. I feel like I should try that Jungian thing that Michael mentioned in therapy. 
 7  
 8  Maybe it's partly the weight of GMM. Even though most the things on my list are fairly easy, some are certainly pain points, especially idea generation. But even if that particular one wasn't difficult for me, the necessity of the challenge does weigh on me. I'm certain that this is at least playing a role in my agitation. 
 9  
10  The other thing that is certainly making this difficult, is now that my ETA for the Canadian tourist visa has arrived, I can technically go whenever. And now that I know that I will meet Parul this month, the waiting just got soooo much harder. It's been 3 months, and I'm struggling with 3 weeks. I want her so badly and desperately need to be with her. It physically ails me. 
11  
12  On the brighter side, quitting porn has been much easier than I imagined, and I'm sort of enjoying the edging (?), feeling my balls fill up more and more, and despite wanting to play with my dick, not doing it is quite straightforward. I feel good about that. I was certainly addicted to porn. 
13  
14  The other thing I just remembered is when I was leaving woolies, I nabbed a Barroca on the way out (as I often do), but this old lady caught me and told me to put it back. I did of course, but my heart continued to race the whole walk home. I kept picturing the police showing up, handcuffing me and pinning me down, saying "we got him" into their headsets as they drag me to their car. I'm grateful nothing like that happened. That's also something that's been making me restless, I didn't manage to quite shake the feeling so much as forget about it. Writing that down brings me relief.  
15  
16  = Today I am grateful for =
17  - Having a climb sesh with Haikal
18  - Getting the new Zelda game working for Gerd
19  - Getting to eat falafel tacos with Gerd
20  - Quitting porn being easy
21  - 20 minute meditation granting me clarity
22  - Getting my ETA, and still forming some sort of routine around things I _must_ do 
23  - Having warm home shoes to keep my toes warm
24  - Taking a nap when I'm feeling tired
25  - Not having to work for coming on 6 months now