1  %title 
 2  :jrnl:
 3  %date 2023-05-30 15:16
 4  %update 2023-05-30 15:35
 5  
 6  Feeling really drained today, can't quite put my finger on why. Still not writing about the thing, so... 
 7  I keep trying to avoid it and bury it and forget about it, but I am certainly struggling. I'm carrying around guilt with me. I guess I'm refusing to say anything as an attempt to forget, but here I am, writing it down in an effort to let go of it. I feel stupid and idiotic. Alientated even. But not just because of it, even otherwise. My life feels tattered right now, stuck in purgatory, waiting. No job, no real schedule, no particular goals, very little motivation. Writing does seem to help at least, so there's that. I was picturing my memories and each of them was like a mattress, and this one is like a dark tar black rock. It has only been a couple days, but I wonder if burying it this way will have psychological impacts. I think that's what worries me the most, or 2nd most, I guess. The long term effects. To be fair, it's only been a few days, so maybe I will eventually move on and forget. Even now, anytime anything happens I get paranoid that it's related. Niko called me at 7.30 this morning, and I was like fuck what happened. Those feelings really suck. And those are the feelings that worry me in the long term. Paranoia, Jealousy, psychological fear. 
 8  
 9  I'm trying not to be overly emotional about the thing, or break myself over it. I keep thinking about how I consistently hid it. How I was scared about it. How everyday that goes on it gets worse in a way. This weighs on me heavily. Is that the life I want with the love of my life? I don't know, I'm hoping I'll forget about it, clearly. And I suppose if the guilt does get too much and I cannot forget about it, I'll say something. 
10  
11  I'm reminded of the time Niko called me out on my bullshit. He made me a better person, and I appreciated that. Now I have only myself, and I seem too cowardly to do what I know is the right thing. 
12  
13  *sigh* 
14  I'm not sure writing this down made any difference, but in the worst case I can delete it. Letting it out brings it more to the surface, but maybe that's the path forward. 
15  
16  Speaking of paths forward, I've been thinking of a few. The obvious one is obvious, be courageous. I play the conversation over in my head, and it always goes tragically. I don't want to deal with that. It's so easy not to deal with that. But then the psychological aspect comes into play. How do I intentionally forget? How do I ensure I'm not paranoid and depraved? I keep coming back to why didn't I say something earlier. Anything. Mentioned to anybody. At least I have a lot of lessons to learn? 
17  
18  It's particularly shameful that this is becoming somewhat of a habit. Arun and Parul, Charly and Laurel, Manya and Minnie, Dee and Raph. But all those cases are emotionally different. I see this one as being purely a mistake. A nonsensical disaster. I don't know why I continue to sabotage / challenge myself this way. Life keeps showing me the same lessons and I keep refusing to learn them. I'm determined to make this time different.